Tuesday, December 05, 2006

I Ate McDonald's today.

I am reasonably sure that McDonald's food is spawned from the infected pulsating teat of Satan.

That being said... it is DELICIOUS.

I am feeling a bit under the weather so I didn't feel like walking to a place to eat. I jump in my badass '87 Ford Bronco II, fire up the engine, and zoom out of the parking lot in a cloud of burning oil smoke. I don't have enough money to make my car stop shooting out pollutants, I sure as hell don't have money to spend on lunch.

I waltz into the McDonalds. It's busy with secretaries and accountants and other office middlemen, buzzing around their Big Mac's.

Rooting through my pockets... I find a $1 bill... and $2 in nickels. Thanks Wunderland! Chicken Sandwich, Fries and a Small Diet Coke are in my immediate future.

Now I don't smoke or do drugs, so I don't know what it's like to be doing something to my body I really shouldn't be. Well... there's drinking... and masturbation... however I don't think god would give me a penis if he didn't want me to show it who's boss every now and then.


The chicken patty is like one giant chicken McNugget slathered in pepper. The mayonnaise tastes like it must me imitation mayonnaise, if there is such a thing. The lettuce was wilted and my fries were warm and greasy. Any person with self respect or an ounce of concern for their personal health and safety should run away from such a meal. I, however, have no self respect or regard for my arteries. I release this bountiful meal from this plane of existence and begin it's journey anew through my intestines and ultimately... my bathroom.

As I sit typing this... I can't help but feel I am jamming little land mines into my esophagus. I can feel satan's breath beating on the back of my head as he lets out mighty guffaw's of delight.

Curse you McDonalds for being so convenient and tasty.


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