pete's online journal of how to eat food

link time

2009-12-04T08:50:00.000-08:00

Animal

2009-07-24T14:36:00.000-07:00

I tell you right now, I am saying this from the heart. Our new hire straight up goes home, takes a big fat gigantic meat steak out of the fridge raw and just starts gnarling away at the sucker, just squirting oozes of juice all over the mouth and making crazy gross sound effects with it. You don't believe a second of that blog, I've seen her kill a lion and feast on it. WITH MY OWN EYES.

nom

2008-03-28T07:22:00.000-07:00

theologytime

2008-03-03T18:33:00.001-08:00

barf o'clock

2008-02-12T12:51:00.000-08:00

[12:45] Megan Howse: what kind of a foods should i eat
[12:46] pete: can you get corn on the cob??
[12:46] pete: btw here is the mp3 I am planning to put up after I take down the seafood song http://www.doesstuff.com/files/d/sausages.mp3
[12:47] Megan Howse: noice
[12:48] pete: I want some corn on the damn cob.
[12:49] Megan Howse: yums
[12:50] Megan Howse: i was thinkin bout getttin the best pizza in the world
[12:50] Megan Howse: it sound awful but its real good like,
[12:50] Megan Howse: its a pizza, right but instead of sauce it has white truffle oil
[12:50] Megan Howse: and then its got some kind of sort of stinky cheese on top of that
[12:50] Megan Howse: and then it is covered i narugala
[12:51] Megan Howse: and then there are sliced pears on top of the lettucey stuff
[12:51] pete: barf

science time

2008-01-22T08:04:00.000-08:00

this morning's experiment proves that putting strawberry jelly on a garlic bagel is sort of like having some rare quality time with your family while simultaneously getting oral sex.

The Fuckupping Gourmet Episode 1: Goulash

2008-01-13T22:57:00.000-08:00

I looked at a recipe for how to make this for like five minutes and just decided to "go for it."

Having eaten goulash before, I knew that it is often served with dumplings, spaetzle, or potatoes. Gee, guess which one I decided to make:

Now, to the elderly and infirm, these will look like "boiled spuds. However, the true epicurean will know that these are to be roasted after being par-boiled (talk about a hole in one! This'll be an eagle of a meal!) After I boiled these I drained them and set them aside. Potatoes and I go way back, and they were a steadfast ally throughout this ordeal.

So, as far as the goulash, you will need some other stuff. First and foremost, you will need a big ol' hunka meat. I bought a chuck roast from one of those hoop-dee-doo natural food markets in town, which I cut thusly:

Usually a chuck roast comes wrapped in the trimmings from one of those useless, loose-woven blankets from your grandma's house. I cut the shit out of that though, and I also cut the fuck out of that chuck. Not pictured is the tidal seepage of blood that came off of that roast, despite it being wrapped with one of those meat maxi pads. This thing was bleeding worse than one of the boils on my ass after I've picked and picked and picked at it. The amount of this beefy excretion was a harbinger of things to come, so DON'T FORGET.

You will also need onions:

These ones are sprouted. I just read a book saying that using the green part (called the "germ," which I'm pretty sure the author made up just to scare people) causes stocks and sauces to become bitter. I think the author was just bitter about not getting someone's tongue on his balls lately.

Next, a fat nug of tomato paste:

I can't remember if I actually ended up using this. During my cursory reading of the recipe, I somehow came to the conclusion that the use of tomato in this recipe was heretical. So, use this if you want to rot in hell.

To bolster the tomato paste, I decided to add harissa. This is basically pureed peppers with oil and spices. It was kind of just sitting in my cupboard. Again, I decided to "go for it."

Also, I put in a bay leaf, some rosemary, and some caraway. It's somewhere in one of those tins seen below:

Just to be sure that my harissa gambit would pay off, I gave it a taste test.

Alright, time to "go for it." First, we need to brown that meat. I put some oil in my pan over medium-high heat. I recommend a Dutch oven because, as we all know, if you ain't Dutch, you're not going to get even browning, consistent heat retention, and proper condensation of steam. You will know that the oil is heated when it gives off thin wisps of smoke. Not like it matters, because it's all fucking downhill from here. Go ahead and throw the meat in, if you're the kind of person who likes the tangy sensation of hot tar on your nipples.

Now, the whole fucking point of this exercise is to get the meat browned. But since my beef was a soggy pile of gore, it did this:

It basically wet itself in the pan, soaking its meaty drawers in disgrace. I was aghast. You can't brown shit in a juicy pan. Can't be done. Fucking forget it, just "go for" some Hot Pockets.

As John F. Kennedy said, "the Chinese character for 'crisis' is the same as the character for 'opportunity.'" He was 100% wrong, but it's a nice thought. Cursing all the way, I fired up a cast iron skillet with some oil and fished out the deplorable beef from its liquid leavings. I also poured the juice into a bowl because that beef juice would be a decent flavoring agent. Mad as hell, I resolved to brown that beef come hell or high(er) water.

AW FUCK THE ONIONS GO GO GO GO GO

WAIT NOW I HAVE TO BOIL FLOUR IN A PAN WITH WATER AND THE HARISSA OKAY GO

OKAY PUT ALL THAT SHIT IN THE PAN AND GET A COVER ON IT BEFORE YOU REALLY GET IT MAD

Give your goulash some space for about two hours.

After you've roasted your potatoes, throw it all together. And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make:

That's a Beatles song, btw

TIME TO GO TO KENNY AND ZUKES

2007-10-18T13:23:00.000-07:00

If you know me you know two things:

1: I am a sweet dude
2: I have never been able to find a bagel for sale in Portland that meets my bagel needs.

If you don't know me then know this: JEWISH FOOD IS BETTER THAN THE VOMITOUS SWILL YOU ARE EATING.

If you didn't know this, then you now get to find out:

http://www.kennyandzukes.com/

It says there that they aren't open yet but that is a clever ruse to fool the unworthy masses so they will steer clear while those among us able to appreciate True Greatness can sample their wares in relative peace before the official "grand" opening.

Alright I can tell I am raving here so listen: KENNY AND ZUKES IS A NEW UPSCALE DELI NEAR POWELL'S CITY OF BOOKS IN DOWNTOWN PORTLAND. THEY ARE OFFERING A "SOFT OPENING" STARTING YESTERDAY AND THE FOOD IS DISCOUNTED BY 20%. THIS IS THE BEST FOOD FOR SALE IN PORTLAND RIGHT NOW.

I ORDERED A REUBEN LAST NIGHT AND IT WAS SO GOOD THAT I COULDNT EVEN DRAW IT CORRECTLY SO I DREW A REUBEN AND THEN I DREW IT IN THE PLACE WHERE ARTISTS NORMALLY DRAW HEAVEN TO INDICATE THAT THE REUBEN I ORDERED WAS A SUITABLE REPLACEMENT FOR AN ETERNAL PARADISE. DOES THAT MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU AT ALL?

Aesthetics > Taste

2007-07-27T09:11:00.000-07:00

It's a fact of the food world that food tastes better if it is presented correctly. Presentation was my goal with this meal. Here's the run-down of this meal: double-patty Boca burger on a 7 grain bun with lettuce, onions, tomato, pickle relish, mustard, and ketchup; romaine salad with radishes, yellow bell pepper, tomatoes, and raspberry vinaigrette; organic corn; Wailua passion fruit wheat beer by Kona Brewing.

The Burger

The most important part of making a burger aesthetically pleasing is the layering. You can't just put the patties on the bottom and pile everything else on top. I started with a layer of condiments. Then, I added tomatoes. Next, I put on the patties separating them with the lettuce to give the burger more horizontal definition. I piled onions on top of the second patty, and sealed the deal with Miracle Whip on the top bun.

The Salad

You can't go wrong with salad if you choose a bunch of colorful veggies. I try to avoid eating a salad with green bell peppers. It's just too much green. That's why I chose yellow peppers. Radishes added some white and tomatoes some red to make this salad my most florid yet of the summer. The only con of this salad was that the romaine was a little thin and limper than I would have liked.

Organic Corn

Not much to say here. I boiled a single ear in a big pot for about twenty minutes. The corn was so flavorful on its own that it didn't even need butter.

Beer

I discovered this beer about a week ago. It's hints of passion fruit are far more tame than say the Apricot in Pyramid's Apricot Hefeweizen, which make this beer far more quaffable and refreshing on a hot summer evening. The Hawaiian label just happened to compliment the color scheme of the meal. Can't forget your Vitamin Beer!

Prost, Maulzeit,
~Tim

E-MAIL TIME

2007-06-12T16:34:00.000-07:00

FROM: Guy Fauntleroy
SUBJECT: (none)

Ok im blazed and im eating ice cream. It tastes alright so does it
expire? I believe ive had it for like three months.

Oh and i went to braums they they have some good ice cream chocolate
almond and butter pecan

free bagel day

2007-04-27T08:59:00.000-07:00

Fridays used to be free donut day but i am getting pretty fat so im glad they have bagels now

poppy seeds are the best toppings ever.

lol fonts

2007-04-10T08:21:00.000-07:00

i got this at work heh http://www.robertbolesta.com/2005/valuepack.htm

p.s.

my roommate's diet

2007-04-06T01:40:00.000-07:00

my room mate eats microwaved potatoes for every meal. he puts a large potato cut into 3 or 4 pieces into a pyrex bowl that has some water in it, and microwaves it for like 8 minutes and when they cook they make all kinds of weird popping and squealing noises which he seems to enjoy very much. i have to admit that listening to popping and squealing has an appealing feeling like peeling paint from the ceiling. he goes through a ten lb bag of potatoes every week and a half which means he eats about 30 lbs of potatoes every month. he puts salt, margarine, and mayonnaise in them to improve the flavor but unfortunately none of those things will significantly improve the nutrition of his empty-starch diet. yesterday i was making a tuna sandwich but with salmon instead of tuna. i guess i could have just called it a salmon sandwich but i thought if i called it a tuna sandwich first you would more easily understand that this was with canned salmon mixed up with mayo and chopped up pickles, exactly how you would prepare a tuna salad sandwich but using what i like to call salmon salad which is just like tuna salad but with canned salmon instead of canned tuna. i should probably also mention that i melted some cheese on the sandwich using the broiler function of the oven, so technically it would be called a tuna melt if i had used tuna, which i didn't. i used canned salmon but i would rather call it a tuna melt with salmon instead of tuna (over calling it a salmon melt) because if i just said i made a salmon melt without explaining all that you would have no fucking idea what i was talking about and probably get really pissed at me and stop reading this article about my roommate's diet which has a happy ending that i didn't want you to miss out on. if you want a hint, it has to do with the fact that salmon is supposedly pretty good for you. ok here it is. i gave him some of said canned salmon and he mixed it in with his potatoes, which is probably the most healthy meal he has had in weeks.

opposite day

2007-03-20T20:18:00.000-07:00

pete's onlinejournalo f how to un-eaty food

click here

also:

also:

Wir müssen die tiere ausrotten

2007-03-16T00:17:00.001-07:00

As long as no one eats my cats or any pet of someone I know (unless I hate them), I am fine with people eating animals. I eat plenty of meat myself, and I don't know why some people don't like it. Animals which aren't pets or aren't in a zoo, they were made to be eaten. You know that lion in the jungle? He was made to be eaten. You know that cow at the farm? It was made to be eaten.

We humans created animals, and I think they are just being selfish when they don't want us to eat them. Personally I think they deserve to get killed and eaten if they can't defend themselves from us; it wasn't our fault we were made superior.

Ever heard of the chain of command? It goes something like this. Humans > Pets > Zoo Animals > Wild Animals > Animals we breed just to eat. So you see unless a chicken is a pet or a zoo animal, it is almost worthless if we follow the chain of command. But then again those chickens weren't just for eating I guess. We also enjoy killing them slowly. I am not trying to be a troll here but I would love to be one of the ones who get to kill the chickens we eat. I would take great pleasure in taking the life of a chicken, since it would let me vent my anger in a constructive healthy way.

Sorry all who were offended, I just love KFC.

Take a trip to the Stuy

2007-03-12T21:49:00.000-07:00

Way back in deuce aught aught four I lived in Bed-Stuy. This was the kind of place where white kids didn't go out past midnight for fear of their eyeballs turning into sidewalk garnishes. The kind of place Jay-Z would love to own a store. I happened to live above that store. Now, Jay-Z never stopped in as far as I could tell, but I'm not sure I even know what he looks like. The guys who worked the store were amateur rappers just like everyone else with in miles.

Before I met them I'd sit up on my roof, sippin my schmirnoff ice at noon on Sunday. Now, to really understand this, you have to understand the difficult process to get anything at all on a Sunday from the bodega in the stuy. If you arrive too early, say, 11am, you get stuck in a line of people each buying $150 worth of lottery tickets. If you arrived too late, say 12:30pm, you'd be stuck in a line of little old church ladies buying their Sunday booze. And lord have mercy if you got in their way. Be sure to keep in mind this isn't the sprawling mecca of booze that is a Plaid Pantry. It's a room about the size of a bedroom, with ceilings caving in, cameras everywhere, workers screaming at customers in Arabic, and the customers that weren't cussing out workers were commenting on my "fyoin ghetto thang". Somehow I managed to get in there wait the 45 minutes to get my "malt drink", with out losing my sanity.

I pay my money and take my headache juice home. I'm kicking it on the roof making passerbys paranoid. My roommates join me with their equally pain inducing drinks. Our downstairs neighbors take this time to begin the long process of opening the store. The first step is to do wheelies around the block for 30 minutes. The second is to get off the bikes and adjust their clothing for another 30 minutes. Finally they are two feet away from the door and my friends and I are giggling like idiots over the show. The downstairs neighbors take this time to holla. I holla back, being neighborly and all. They invite us downstairs. I venture alone. My drink dangerously low, but no headache yet on the horizon. I grab something else from the fridge. The neighbors pull me up a beat up lawn chair. We talked of many things, fools and kings and they grilled me as to why white people like country. Then they invited me to the back for some cocaine. I had never had cocaine before. So I considered my options. Schmirnoff induced headache to soothe the summer heat or cocaine and creepy neighbors? Well, it was a tough call, but some how roof and schmirnoff ice seemed more appropriate for midday summer then back room and cocaine. Shake that thang.

HOISTED BY HIS OWN PETARD

2007-03-06T20:53:00.000-08:00

fatty bo batty

2007-03-05T20:39:00.000-08:00

i had a smoothie for dinner tonite

1st saturday

2007-03-04T00:02:00.001-08:00

poker wit cookiez

Multimedia message

2007-03-02T20:44:00.001-08:00

Part-ay

kegday

2007-02-28T21:10:00.001-08:00

we shook the keg up while bringing it home

i am drunk off of foam!

27 past nine

2007-02-13T09:26:00.000-08:00

Raw Horseflesh Ice Cream (Basashi Aisu):We're not horsing around with this one. There mere thought of putting raw horseflesh into ice cream may be enough to produce plenty of neigh ... er, naysayers. And, rightfully so. You can get it straight from the horse's mouth, this would have to vie for the vilest ice cream ever created. The chunks of meat inside it offer ample proof of why horseflesh is usually used in dog food. Not wanting to be a nag, this flavor needs a definite gee-up. The only saving grace is perhaps that tonight's dessert could well have been last week's odds-on favorite.

how to eat at hot pot city

2007-02-08T13:16:00.000-08:00

1. order broth.

there are a bunch of kinds of broths, i had meat because im a killahh. if you want one of the ones with "preserved egg" in it you have to order ahead or something, i dont really get that part.

2. get ingredients

put the meat and veggies on the big plate they give you unless you want to get juice on your shirt. the crabs are complicated to cook but everyone there had one so i did too. i didn't clean it right or something and it kinda messed up the rest of my soup so dont get one unless you know stuff about crabs

3. put a little bit of ingredients in your broth

start with the crabs, they take longer than anything according to the guy, and then the meat and then last add the veggies. the meat is all thinsliced so it takes like a minute to cook

4. take the ingredients out and put them in the little bowl with a little broth

THIS TAKES STRENGTH SO MAKE SURE YOU WORK OUT! if you want to let the meat cool or some shit, put it on that little plate (that's what it's for!) you can also put some sauce (not pictured) in the bowl because that broth is kinda bland right?

5. eat it

if you need this explained you are stupid so shut up ok?

6. add another SMALL batch of stuff

your little bowl is tiny and you don't want stuff to get cold while you're eating it so don't just dump it all in at once, you stupid slob! have a little class! if youre good you can offset this just right so you are still eating the last batch when you put in the next batch and when you're ready for it it's all good to go. its okay if you don't get this down your first time going, nobody's going to laugh at you or punch you in the mouth or anything.

7. repeat until dead

this is an all you can eat deal, and its not like soda costs extra or anything.

don't be a pussy.

my BK did the imposible

2007-02-07T19:18:00.000-08:00

I gotit at the mall so we can't get refills they do it there, stupid people who bring cups from other places and do it at there will.

Anyways I got a Double Stacker and Fries before the drink and the machie is right next to them!

a joke about black people

2007-02-05T21:45:00.000-08:00

When I start eating Oreos I just can't stop until I run out of them. They're sooooo sweat. *drools*

I put 10 of them into a big cup and fill the rest of it with milk. Then I let it sit for a while and spoon all the creme discs out. Then I drink the slushy cookie-milk mix. But once I go through a package in this manner, I don't want anymore for a month or two.

freeze dried eggs

2007-02-05T14:37:00.000-08:00

if you've ever looked at the dehydrated camping food at places like rei or gi joes you may notice that they have some interesting selections such as turkey tettrazini or blueberry cheesecake. some of these are better than others and have a varying amount of resemblance to what they claim to be. some of them are pretty god damn tasty although that may have to do with hiking for 15 miles with a 40lb pack on. one of the most interesting ones is made by a company called mountain house, and it is called "scrambled eggs made with real bacon". the way it is prepared, like many of the other mountain house selections, is to open the outer spage-age-material container and remove the clear plastic bag from within. it has a piece of cardboard attached to the bottom and inside is contained a powdery assortment of creme colored chunks. you add a cup and half of boiling water and then cinch the plastic bag shut by threading the top of it through a donut-shaped piece of cardboard that you punch out of a perforated corner of the cardboard base on the plastic bag. then you put the plastic bag full of weird shit into the outer space-age-material container and wait about 5 minutes.

now what you have is a plastic bag full of weird yellow mush and little red chunks, presumably the real bacon. you discard the donut and fold the edges down so that it stands up on its own like a little bowl and then you administer the contents to your mouth using a spoon. this substance is absolutely nothing like eggs or bacon in the slightest way. a boca burger with kim-chee and teriyaki sauce on it is about as similar to eggs and bacon as this substance. not only is it completely unlike eggs or bacon, but it is also unlike any other substance on the planet. the texture is weird, the taste completely foreign, and the appearance is like a tofu stew in light sauce. and it is fucking DELICIOUS. there is nothing like it in the world and there never will be. there are several other egg options in the freeze-dried camping food world but only "scrambled eggs made with real bacon" will take you to another world. another fucking WORLD is where it will take you.

Things not to make in an apartment kitchen: pickled onions

2007-02-03T17:45:00.000-08:00

boil three cups of vinegar, a cup and a half of sugar, a couple bay leaves, cinnamon sticks, cloves, peppercorns, allspice, chile, ya know, shit like that. turn the heat down, and let that eye burning mixture simmer for a few minutes, try not to breathe. remove from the heat and cover while you cut up an onion into 3/8 inch rings. seperate the rings. bring the vinegar up to a boil again, and add one third of the onions for about 20 seconds, remove them, and put them onto a baking sheet, do the next third, remove, baking sheet, and then the last third liek you did the other thirds. put them into the fridge to cool, repeat this process two more times. cool the brine, and then put it all into jars making sure that the onions are covered in the brine.

let it all meld for 24 hours before eating it with delightful things like liver pate, but if you think that things like liver pate are fucking sick you could eat them with a hamburger, or all by their pretty pink selves.

The most important thing to remember when making these is to not breathe in, or else you'll feel like you swallowed a cup of vinegar.

Just let me make it past the front doorway

2007-02-03T15:14:00.000-08:00

There's an awesome little Mexican restaurant just down the street from my house. Wonderful food, but they are stupid and keep their dumpster right next to the front door.

In the summer, the stench is enough that you have to make a conscious effort to walk through the door. You get inside and suddenly the smells are great. Still, that restaurant is permanently etched into my brain as "the place that smells like a corpse."

SPEED DATING < SPEED COOKING

2007-02-03T12:15:00.000-08:00

THE ONLY TIME TWO MINUTES IS FULLY SATISFYING:

i can make a fart noise with my mouth too

2007-02-02T06:47:00.000-08:00

BREAKFAST FOR DINNER?!?!?!?

2007-01-30T18:14:00.000-08:00

Marissa made french toast out of a hand-made potato bread with rosemary. I didn't think it would work but it was delicious.

also, I made ham steaks and dumped a bunch of syrup on them right before taking them off the pan so it would soak in and caramelize, and that worked really well too. HAM STEAKS!

its my birthday today

2007-01-19T17:28:00.000-08:00

i have a big ol' whiteboard above my desk at work

snow day (today!)

2007-01-16T08:55:00.000-08:00

not only don't I have to work, i get to make a snow-cone with real snow (but not a real cone :-I )

peanuts and sesame seeds over cheetos.

2007-01-15T11:55:00.000-08:00

you wouldnt think this would be good -- a bowl of rice with a splash of soy sauce and a handful of fire-hot cheetos -- indeed not that great. but i ate it several days in a row until i ran out of fire-hot cheetos which i won't be restocking because i don't really like them very much. i think regular cheetos are pretty good but the fire-hot cheetos are better over rice than regular cheetos. if you want to put something in your rice i would sooner recommend peanuts and sesame seeds over cheetos.

mm mm mm Malay Satay Hut

2007-01-11T10:58:00.000-08:00

Our site has a new writer, Katie, and she will deliver fabulously half-assed reviews of restaurants, among other things that may or may not involve baked goods. She will review restaurants on a scale of one to five butts.

On with the first review!

Malay Satay Hut: a lovely treasure hidden in the Fubonn complex on 82nd between Division and Powell. This restaurant has two other locations in Seattle, and is gaining a huge following right here in Portland. It is a welcome addition in a town where Thai restaurants are indistinguishable from each other (with the exception being Pok Pok), the only restaurant in Chinatown with good food is a tourist trap full of white people, and there are more places for a lackluster bowl of pho than hookers on 82nd ave, or Burnside, or wherever the hookers live. Now we have Malaysian food, and it is outrageously delicious.

Charlie and Pete were kind enough to let me decide on what we ate because I’ve read several reviews, and knew what dishes were good, also because I’m awesome, and have a very sophisticated palate.

I am too lazy to discuss the atmosphere, so I’ll just tell you that it’s good. Now, on with the food:

Beef Satay: I had the highest expectations for this dish, but it was a disappointment. The beef was chewy, with a fair bit of connective tissue. The peanut sauce that came with it was excellent, though. Two butts

Green beans with shrimp: This had a fancier name, but their website is down so I can’t check. This dish really didn’t do anything for me. I thought that it was pretty boring in fact, but it was one of the ones that people have been recommending, so maybe I just have no taste buds, but it’s more likely that those people do not have palates that are very sophisticated like mine. Two butts

Roti: an Indian flatbread appetizer, gently fried, but not greasy with a nice crunch, and soft in the middle. This is served with small bowl of curry. The bread is delicious, but the curry needs a little something. Regardless I’d eat it all day long. Four Butts

Malaysian Fried Rice: A spicy fried rice with nice, sweet shrimp, and chicken. I believe ketchup might also have been involved, but again with the website being down thing. It was very flavorful, and too hot for Pete, who’s a big wimp. Four butts

Tofu-mango salad: I know, it doesn’t sound real exciting because you’ve eaten mango and tofu before, but you haven’t eaten it like this. The mango is the perfect sweet, but still firm consistency, and the tofu is fried golden brown. When you bite into the tofu you discover that its interior is nearly a custard. Topped off with a sweet and spicy dressing, and you’ll have me bouncing in my seat. Five butts

Overall, Malay Satay Hut receives four butts because that mango salad was so outstanding, and they have things like avocado shakes.

Corned Beef & Cabbage

2007-01-04T22:20:00.001-08:00

Back in 1997, 98, I worked at an old hotel in Lake Placid, NY that was trying to go timeshare. It was a horrible hotel, they kept promising to build a pool for the place, the towels were never clean, and they hired the worst people in town. A couple years after I moved out of town, my parents sent me a newspaper clipping about the maintenance man being sent away for rape.

As part of the gussying-up of this place, they decided they needed a restaurant attached. Ah what the hell, that place treated me like shit, and I need to warn people away: it was the Northwoods Inn. The restaurant was called "Northern Exposure" "Oh, like the TV show, hee hee!"

The owner of the place, to his credit, hired Sal, a former Olympic bobsledder, as manager of the place. Great guy. Unfortunately, owner held the purse strings so tight, even Sal couldn't make the place worth eating at. I got hired in as a prep cook. And yes, this was in keeping with the "worst people in town" philosophy; their prep cook was a fat stoner who had been fired from the Hilton, the bagel place, two tchotchke shops, and the German restaurant in the past year. Tony, the dishwasher, was an early Juggalo and Collin, the head cook, was a multiple felon and a barely-functional alcoholic. Holy shit, that man could drink.

Since the place lacked the budget for adequate personnel, soon my stoner ass was a line cook as well. Sal was a great cook, but he spent all his time begging the owner to get us supplies. The owner insisted on ordering it all himself. He lived in New Jersey. We were usually out of burgers. This was a bar-food joint.

One day, I was tasked with coming up with a dinner special. It was Saint Patrick's Day, and the bar manager expected a big crowd (failed to materialize). I looked in the walk-in fridge, and it was virtually bare. I'd barely have enough to serve a dozen people our staple dishes.

I had never made corned beef & cabbage before. I had never eaten corned beef & cabbage before. But I thought, Hey, I'm Irish, it's Saint Paddy's Day, I'll bet corned beef & cabbage is in my blood! So I started casting about for components. I managed to find a log of processed corned-beef lunchmeat and lots of cans of sauerkraut. Sauerkraut is made of cabbage. It is not "cabbage" of the sort one serves with a nice dish like corned beef & cabbage. But I gamely sliced some big hunks off the corned beef loaf and tossed it in the steamer with a couple cans of 'kraut.

"Nancy, the special is corned beef & cabbage!"

A couple hours into the night, it seemed like I was gonna get away with this abortion of cuisine. The place had been virtually empty the whole shift, and I had nearly forgotten about my little mixture, which was starting to look a little chapped lips on the edges.

Somebody showed up and ordered it though. I have no idea who it was. By good grace or cowardice, as soon as I heard the order for the corned beef & cabbage, I did not so much as peek my head out of the kitchen. I slopped a couple slabs on the plate, piled some sauerkraut on top of it as artfully as I could, and dandied it up with a bit of parsley.

No go. Five minutes later, I heard a raised voice from the dining room. Nancy came back into the kitchen and said, "He sent it back. He said it was sandwich meat & sauerkraut and that that wasn't corned beef & cabbage."

". . . Oh. Does he want something else?"

"No. He left."

She stared at me expectantly for a few moments more, then shrugged and walked back out to the bar.

The funny thing is, Nancy and Collin both knew about my "attempt," but didn't say anything contrary. Foodservice is full of people who couldn't care less about you and want to go home having expended the least energy possible. This place was something else, though. We were all horrible people.

I like the job I have now quite a bit more.

2007!

2007-01-01T09:54:00.000-08:00

my new year's reoslution for the new year is to steal the power of my enemies by consuming their flesh.

WOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY NEW YEAR

The best thing about working in an office at Xmas:

2006-12-19T08:52:00.000-08:00

FUCKIN A' GIANT TUB O' POPCORN FROM SOME CUSTOMER I NEVER MET

Mo-mo-mo-monday

2006-12-18T22:38:00.000-08:00

venison stew

2006-12-14T10:31:00.000-08:00

deer meat,

you are delicious when prepared correctly. i like your roast cubed, set overnight in buttermilk to soak, then rinsed and placed in a glass dish with about half and inch of water and two packets of onion soup. simmer for a day and stewed up with brown rice. no gamey taste. no greasy fat. no reindeer to lead the sleigh. ops.

love meg

I Ate McDonald's today.

2006-12-05T13:01:00.000-08:00

I am reasonably sure that McDonald's food is spawned from the infected pulsating teat of Satan.

That being said... it is DELICIOUS.

I am feeling a bit under the weather so I didn't feel like walking to a place to eat. I jump in my badass '87 Ford Bronco II, fire up the engine, and zoom out of the parking lot in a cloud of burning oil smoke. I don't have enough money to make my car stop shooting out pollutants, I sure as hell don't have money to spend on lunch.

I waltz into the McDonalds. It's busy with secretaries and accountants and other office middlemen, buzzing around their Big Mac's.

Rooting through my pockets... I find a $1 bill... and $2 in nickels. Thanks Wunderland! Chicken Sandwich, Fries and a Small Diet Coke are in my immediate future.

Now I don't smoke or do drugs, so I don't know what it's like to be doing something to my body I really shouldn't be. Well... there's drinking... and masturbation... however I don't think god would give me a penis if he didn't want me to show it who's boss every now and then.

BUT I DIGRESS

The chicken patty is like one giant chicken McNugget slathered in pepper. The mayonnaise tastes like it must me imitation mayonnaise, if there is such a thing. The lettuce was wilted and my fries were warm and greasy. Any person with self respect or an ounce of concern for their personal health and safety should run away from such a meal. I, however, have no self respect or regard for my arteries. I release this bountiful meal from this plane of existence and begin it's journey anew through my intestines and ultimately... my bathroom.

As I sit typing this... I can't help but feel I am jamming little land mines into my esophagus. I can feel satan's breath beating on the back of my head as he lets out mighty guffaw's of delight.

Curse you McDonalds for being so convenient and tasty.

Tom's Bento

2006-11-29T14:38:00.000-08:00

http://portland.citysearch.com/profile/8456499/

brown rice
vegetables - carrots, broccoli, mushrooms (not really a vegetable so I threw it out), cabbage?
WHITE MEAT CHICKEN
plum sauce
peanut sauce

tuesday is bluesday

2006-11-28T11:20:00.000-08:00

blue raspberry jolly ranchers still taste like every other kind of jolly rancher.

halloween minus 5

2006-10-25T22:49:00.000-07:00

Time for a new update... according to PATRICK

2006-10-19T10:55:00.000-07:00

Pat: pete it is no longer the seventeenth day of october
Pete: I WILL SHOVE A POTATO UP YOUR PEE HOLE

the seventeenth day of october, year of our lord the two thousand and sixth: thor's day.

2006-10-17T10:34:00.000-07:00

today for lunch: two (2) bagels
one (1) pear
one (1) orange (navel)

1 hour later

2006-10-15T22:10:00.000-07:00

MAJOR UPDATE: I HAVE FINISHED EATING THE GROSS POPSICLE

it tasted real bad and i cut my lip trying to bite it and i have the hickups from swallowing air and one of my teeth hurts but

October's Midpoint

2006-10-15T21:09:00.000-07:00

i didn't like the taste of this crappy soda so i froze it and cut off the bottle and now i have a giant crappy soda flavored popsicle with no stick and i dont know what to do with it other than wait for it to thaw and turn it back into crappy soda

Thirsty Thursday

2006-10-12T17:53:00.000-07:00

Ross: I keep wondering if every now and then a scientist fucks some animal just to see if it's true.
Ross: Then kills the ensuing horseboy.
Pete: Well you can't do that because the sperm and eggs are different in size and chemistry but if you just use standard cloning techniques to transfer the DNA, then why the hell not.
Pete: Pigs would be a likelier candidate, I'm guessing... we can already exchange organs with them.
Ross: Yep.
Pete: Rich chicks are going to start using their ova and their boyfriends' sperm to impregnate a sow so they can keep their girlish figures.
Pete: Can you imagine coming into the world via a pig's vagina? What effect would that have on a person.
Pete: What if the pig escaped into the wild while still pregnant and they couldn't find it?
Pete: What if it got captured by a pig farmer and butchered?
Pete: And when they cut off the chops they'd find a human fetus in its uterus.
Pete: What if it was extremely late-term and the fetus survived.
Pete: Would you still want to eat it?

Ross: I'd eat the placenta.

tgif

2006-10-06T20:29:00.000-07:00

and also tgfp, which means "thank grandparents for parents"

my parents took me out for dinner tonight because i helped my grandpa get his computer working. they let me order the most expensive item on the menu and it was called "steak porto". i think it should have been called "steak porno" because it was like the steak and i were sharing something intimate when i ate it

yom kippur

2006-10-02T20:24:00.000-07:00

i am a jewish person so i fasted. i am updating this anyway to tell you all that fasting is hard. here is a drawing of nothing, which is what i ate. :(

tgi friday

2006-09-29T21:41:00.000-07:00

i made a quiche that tastes better than the whole universe.

hi

2006-09-27T20:19:00.000-07:00

hey thanks pete

i love food and i want to share that love with you

i am eating a sandwich tonight (sand)which contains roast beef, tomatah, roman lettuce, and mustard on sourdough. i wanted to put cheese on it (cheddar) but i felt lazy (not up to it)

oh and guy fauntleroy is a fake name but i have nothing to hide, i'm really charlie

RIGHT FUCKIN NOW OK

2006-09-27T20:04:00.000-07:00

THE HONORABLE GUY CHARLES RAYMOND FAUNTLEROY BAXTER IS NOW AN OFFICIAL AND RECOGNIZED CONTRIBUTOR TO THIS FOOBLOG (FOOd weB LOG) AND HE IS A COOL DUDE ok

Never Forget o' Clock

2006-09-11T18:22:00.000-07:00

I made a ramen-cabbage salad but nobody would eat it except nigel. i think they don't think ramen-cabbage is a real kind of salad but they are wrong. >:-( nigel thought it was great even though he didn't have any of the season-packet dressing.

to be fair, it kind of turned brown after a day or so but it was still crunchy.

2:56 PM Friday

2006-09-08T14:10:00.000-07:00

12:48:41 PM guyfauntleroy: Some food blog snob posted a brief review of your food blog
12:48:41 PM guyfauntleroy: Katie sent me the link but it's at home
12:48:54 PM guyfauntleroy: It was something like "It reads like an IM conversation between two twelve year olds, which I'm guessing is the intention"
12:49:16 PM soloway: lolololololololololol
12:49:19 PM soloway: olololololololol

lol

24 Jul, 3pm

2006-07-24T14:53:00.000-07:00

foetus66_ that sushi place down at the river blows
Sassface the sushi place previously known as yuki sushi?
foetus66_ yes
foetus66_ it's the same as it was then though
coupon hmmm
Sassface I didn't mind it, it was fresh enough. Pretty basic.
foetus66_ i thought i'd give it another chance since the name changed, but no change.
Sassface The miso was good.
MMD isn't Yuki sushi on 23rd now?
Sassface You prefer takahashi?
foetus66_ thats the real yuki
foetus66_ fuck yeah
MMD yeah, that Yuki is pretty good right?
MMD I've only ever had a few rolls there but I thought they were pretty good iirc
Sassface Last time I went to Takahashi the stuff was warm and kind of wet. It tasted okay but not fantastic, and the miso was totally boring.
foetus66_ when my food came out everything was novelty sized tiny. i almost started laughing because as soon as i saw it i remembered how i thought the same thing last time. i had to get a slice of pizza next door when i was done.
foetus66_ if i were to have eaten a normal amount of sushi it would have been like $30
Sassface Well expensive is different from bad
foetus66_ the fish quality is nothing to write home about. also, the miso i just had was watery and had heavy chunks from the base of the green onion
Sassface Gross
MMD please copy/paste this chat transcript into your blog pete
Sassface ok

MMD and maybe illustrate Carl laughing at a plate of sushi
MMD tiny, novelty sized sushi
coupon microscopic
foetus66_ anyway, the sushi tasted good but there is also a difference between expensive and insanely overpriced. i won't be going there again.
foetus66_ also, in your drawing, make the waiter inattentive
foetus66_ i suppose they can get away with it since they are in that huge condo complex full of rich people. i'm sure they get business, so why not roll with it i suppose.
foetus66_ i'm such a supposeur

fryday, day of frying.

2006-07-14T15:02:00.000-07:00

Today is amazing guest-blogger day for guest-blogger CHARLIE

Charlie says:

make ur blog say wine gives me <3burn but I love it so how do I choose

k i gotta go have beer though i like beer better than what the italians call las wineita

illustration:

2006-07-05T09:24:00.000-07:00

eat a fart

juney eightey teeney

2006-06-18T18:24:00.000-07:00

I went to olive garden but i didn't eat too much. they have bottomless cokes there

today, the fifteenth

2006-06-15T09:30:00.000-07:00

geez, it's like a total sausage fest in here

14 06 06

2006-06-14T10:33:00.000-07:00

i left my pbj on the counter this morning and my dad picked it up and brought it to my office for me! i thought i was going to have to miss lunch because i don't hvea time to go out today but now i have my pbj and it tastes even better than normal pbj which is pretty good

wednesday, june

2006-06-14T06:57:00.000-07:00

I'm not hungry for breakfast today, as usual. For lunch I am going to make myself a PBJ because I don't have time to go out because I am looking at a house for rent so I don't have to live in an apartment or my parents' basement.

Dinner is still a mystery!

Tuesday '06!

2006-06-13T12:43:00.000-07:00

I just payed $15 + tip for a few pieces of sushi and tempura. it was ok I guess but that was a lot of money and the service was slow and weird.

I don't remember the name of the place.

13 jun 2006

2006-06-13T10:41:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to have for lunch

Tuesday, June the Thiurtenth

2006-06-13T10:07:00.000-07:00

I have perfected an amazing breakfast recipe that is nutritious, portable, and also good for you and good for eating on the road. I have written it here on the Internet for all of you to eat.

1. Eat cheese
2. chew cheese up a little
3. Eat apple (with cheese still in mouth)
4. Enjoy
5. Eat apple.
6. eat cheese

repeat until cheese and apple are gone

I used baby belle cheese that is a small cow’s milk cheese that is the French version of Dutch Edam. Like its Dutch counterpart it is known for its bright red wax covering. Made famous by being served in lunches and transatlantic flights.

You could use string cheese too, it is pretty good but don't let it get too warm and gooey that is gross and doesn't taste as good hehe.

June 9th, 2006

2006-06-09T19:05:00.000-07:00

I am eating noodles. They are stuck together. LOL.

June 9th, 2006

2006-06-09T18:05:00.000-07:00

I had pizzicato pizza for lunch. Usually it's ok but today I felt like something less spicy.

Then later I drank two beers really fast and they made me have to pee.